loneliness

I feel lonely today

i feel lonely today as I often do. I find that my relationships with others never quite measure up, and I’m always left wanting. Today as I was driving in my car, feeling sad for how a 34 year old woman could be so lonely despite many ties to many people, it came to me. I was wallowing in self-pity and lamenting about how others continually let me down when I realized, my loneliness is my doing. My disappointments and dissatisfactions were of my own creation. Why am I searching outside myself to find something in others only I can give to myself? Because relying on myself is difficult and requires many truths i’m not always ready to see, to be shown. Isn’t it so much easier to have high expectations of others than of myself? isn’t it so much easier fo feel disappointed in someone else instead of myself?

How is it someone else’s job to combat my loneliness? In reality, I’m not alone so what i’m feeling is actually a lack of connection and love. I have connection and love from others (at a reasonable amount) what I’m really feeling isn’t a lack of connection with others but a lack of connection to myself and the divine within me. No matter how many people I put in my life, no matter how many relationships I cultivate, they will never be enough because my source, my deep well is empty. People will always fall short because it’s not their responsibility to fill me up, it’s mine. Well, fuck.

I like this truth much less. This truth has kinda pisses me off, actually.

Dammit it’s me?! I have to do work to connect to myself? That’s annoying, I would much rather bitch about how no one is able to give me something. I would much rather outsource this responsibility. I would much rather not have to work so hard… but then.. I would also like to feel less lonely. I would like to feel more joy and true connection. Yeah, I like complaining but do I like it more than I like joy?

No, the answer is no, i do not.

Now what?

Now I work on my most important relationship. Now I look at how I depend on others for happiness and see how I can depend on myself for happiness, instead. Now, I take my joy in my own hands, begrudgingly, if I’m honest. Now, I practice what I so often preach to others.

fuckshitfuckshitfuckshit scream

ok, ill take a deep breath

and just begin…

Namaste, friend